Self-awareness is king
Being able to read a room is only helpful if you can then find your place in it.
Open mics at comedy clubs are a real gamble. You never know if you’re going to stumble into a night full of hidden gems and hilarity, or if the palpable awkwardness will make you sick to your stomach.
I’ve written before about the sheer terror of doing stand-up and would never speak ill of anyone who dares to try it. Stand-up, in my opinion, is the most difficult form of public speaking, as well as one of the most confounding art forms out there. That aside, a recent experience at a comedy club solidified in my mind this idea that I’ve been toying with for a while—the idea that self-awareness is the foundation upon which all virtues are built. Let me take you there…
It was 10 pm. A small, dimly lit room. The folding chairs were scattered in small clumps. Everyone wore a mask.
The night had a feeling of two extremes—we were about to experience something either fantastic or terrible. Excited energy filled the space. Everyone sounded overjoyed to be out in public around other people. Yet, at the same time, there was also an undercurrent of nerves as, well, we felt nervous to be out in public around other people. One of the comics said it felt like we were doing something illegal, and it did.
The bomb happened in the opening set. She came out to a smattering of applause (did I already say the crowd was nervous?), made a few jokes that didn’t quite land, commented on the awkwardness of the crowd (maybe not the best strategy?), and then doubled down on intentionally compounding the awkwardness by doing one of the crudest sets I’ve ever heard (it was so vulgar that I’m not comfortable writing down even the strictly anatomical terms for what she described). The cringes were louder than any laughs.
What interested me most about her set though wasn’t the vulgarity but rather her ability to notice it wasn’t going well, audibly acknowledge that fact, and then continue going. In one sense, there’s some bravery in that. Lesser comics might’ve dropped the mic and bailed, but she finished her set. She did her job.
But in another sense, there’s this startling lack of self-awareness—made even more fascinating by the fact that she knew the crowd wasn’t responding well. Which goes to show that reading the room is only half the battle. You still have to know how you fit into it.
That’s why I think self-awareness is the first virtue, the foundational one. Before you exhibit humility, you need self-awareness. Before you practice patience, you need self-awareness. Before you give generously, you have to know what you have.
Virtue, I believe, grows from a two-fold understanding of who you are and who you can be. It’s about knowing what you have and using that understanding to make it what it could be. In that way, self-awareness is the starting line toward being a better friend, a better co-worker, a better parent, a better spouse, a more virtuous person.
In the spirit of putting my money where my mouth is, I’ve written a user manual for myself. It’s not complete and something I imagine will change over time, but the full story behind the idea is below, along with some books I’ve read recently and a particular beverage that consistently makes me feel better.
I’m curious to know what you think though. Have you ever met a virtuous person who lacked self-awareness? I have to think they’re out there but none come to mind. Is the degree to which you’re self-aware equal to the degree to which you can exhibit virtue?
If you read my user manual, you’ll see that I love a good argument. Reply with your thoughts. I’d love to hear them.
And hey, thanks for reading this far.
- jd
(Note: If you enjoy this email, please consider forwarding it to someone who might also enjoy it. If you were forwarded this email, you can sign up to receive it on the first Tuesday of every month.)
This idea came through the recommendation of a co-worker who heard it from this newsletter (which is one I love) who got it from this LinkedIn post who, as that person explains, read about it somewhere else. Hopefully, that over-emphasizes the lack of originality with which I present this idea.
I found writing this to be first a fun exercise in self-reflection and second, a clear picture of how helpful it can be to simply acknowledge someone’s tics and traits. My strongest relationships are the ones where I know the other person’s pet peeves and greatest motivators. Why do we wait so long to reveal those things to each other?
Book Reviews
The World’s Largest Man by Harrison Scott Key
True comedy does not point and laugh—it beckons you to come closer and share in the fun. That’s what this book does.
Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler
It’s much easier to keep our cards close to the chest, to lean into platitudes and other meaningless forms of faux-comfort. Thank God Kate Bowler doesn’t do that.
Pappyland by Wright Thompson
Bourbon culture is simultaneously fascinating and, like most things that people can become obsessive about, a bit ridiculous. This book gives you a taste of both, but regardless, you’ll finish reading and want to get into bourbon…all the way into it.
Beverage
I know what you’re thinking. How in the world are you going to follow a review of a book about bourbon with an image of ginger tea? I offer no apologies or explanations. Simply put, this is the best thing I’ve had to drink all month. Why? Because it makes me feel good. In this household, we believe in the wonders of Eastern medicine. And by Eastern medicine, we mean acupuncture and all forms of ginger. I never thought I’d say this but heaven on earth may be sipping on a hot cup of tea right after having needles shoved into your spine. I know. I have no idea what’s happening to me either…
***
Can I confess something? For what I think are obvious reasons the group of people who read this part of the newsletter feels like a safe place, so here it goes. I have listened to the song drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo roughly 5-7 times a day for the past week. In fact, I just opened a new tab to find a link for y’all and ended up watching the entire music video even though I’ve already seen it. That’s where I’m at. And look, it’s a great song for sure, but I couldn’t tell you why it’s the first song I want to listen to every time I turn on music. It’s catchy, nostalgic, fun to sing along to, and all the other things that make music great. But I just can’t stop listening to it. Am I alone here? Do you have a song that you can’t get enough of? Why does music do that? Do you listen to a variety of music, or do you have one playlist/album that you keep going back to? Is this too many questions? Ok fine, but is this too many questions? Half of me wants to hear your thoughts on drivers license, but the other half of me is hoping you’ll send me some great Spotify playlists to cure my addiction. But then the other half of me is just glad you’re still reading. Annnnnd now I’m an improper fraction ok bye.