How to build a deck and stay married
Both are high risk, high reward endeavors.
Buy a tool belt.
One of you will misplace things regularly and it will frustrate the other. Things like tape measures, hammers, drills, nails, and screws will magically vanish and then appear underneath a beam at the far side of the deck.
The one who constantly misplaces things will grow tired of reminders to keep everything together, and then at some point the person who rarely misplaces things will misplace one thing and they will receive rebuke tenfold. And that will get ugly.1
Keep the dog inside.
Even if the dog is everyone’s best friend. At some point, she’ll knock something over. This is inevitable,2 and no one should scold a dog with circular saw in their hand.
Don’t hold a nail for the other person to hammer.
Obvious, yes.3 Worth pointing out? Also yes.
Work at night.
This is actually the only option if you have children and busy weekends. But even if you don’t, headlamps are inherently funny to wear as an amateur craftsman. You look very serious and also like a total fool.
That is good for everyone’s pride.
Use two measuring tapes.
And acknowledge before each other and before God that it is each person’s responsibility to double check the other person’s measurements. No blame. No shame. But nothing is taken for granted. Same rule applies to levelers.
Always have a reward ready.
Whether you’re working for an entire afternoon or in whatever half hour chunks you can scrounge together, give each other something to look forward to at the end of a working session.
Like wine. Or a moment alone with no talking.4
Start with a test version.
If you’re not sure if a certain screw is long enough, don’t get four boxes. And if you haven’t settled on the type of wood you’re using, don’t order a pallet of anything.
Be ready with kid’s tools.
The boy cried when he couldn’t use my hammer. Then we told him an old massage gun was a drill and he locked in on a single board for a full hour.5
Take lots of pictures.
Charting your progress is a great motivator for success. Plus, when you get a candid photo of your partner’s plumber’s crack that creates a memory one of you can cherish forever.
Try one new tool, but only one.
If you think you need both a miter saw and a nail gun, maybe settle for one of those. The human brain can only learn to safely operate a new piece of equipment once a quarter. Faster isn’t better if you finish with one deck and nine fingers.
Don’t quit.
Somehow, it gets better over time. This is true of both deck-building and marriage.
Thanks for reading this far.
-jd
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Content
The Song of Significance - I just started this. It will either be great, or I’ll get the gist in the next twenty pages and never finish it. There’s no in between for me in this genre.
Slow Horses - I know this is an incorrect opinion to hold, but the KGB are uhh…(kinda cool). I mean, bad guys for sure. But also…
This Could All Go Nowhere - One of those rare albums that I wish was much longer.
Camera Roll
Everything is level (both the deck and the marriage, that is)
Question
What’s something that you’ve created with your hands that you’re proud of? It’s ok if it’s macaroni art from your childhood.
Also, if you’ve made it all the way down here, consider forwarding this email to your smartest and funniest friends. But if you have one person in your friend group who is both the smartest and funniest friend, do not forward this to them. They already have enough.
No one cried. But I wanted to.
A lot of very small accidents feels like a given. But if you can avoid the big ones, that’s a huge success. I refuse to spell out that marriage metaphor.
Sometimes your brain turns off. I don’t know.
Other rewards include, but are not limited to: popcorn, ice cream, a movie, the seat near the space heater, rights to wear the better gloves next time, and/or a pat on the butt.
There’s a joke to be made about lumber and lumbar massage, but, as most puns tend to do, it has eluded me.